A change of pace

04/01/2011 at 1:06 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments
Tags: blogging, humor, myths, picture post, unicorns, what

Everyone, today, I have a very importnat announcment to make. Starting today, I am turning over a new leaf. With this the first of the month, we are going to take the blog in a different direction.

My friends, I know that over the last two & a half years you’ve all enjoyed (or not) an alternative perspective on female sexual dysfunction. But this morning, I woke up seized by a fey mood; a humours, if you will; and suddenly it all became clear. Truly, female sexual dysfunction is but a well-organized conspiracy perpetuated on women by sinister doctors and fat cats with none but the intent to make us all miserable. As such, I can no longer write about it in good faith.

Which presents the dilemma: But what to do with the blog then? Though it pains me to have to scrap the drafts in the queue, I must nonetheless shift gears. Alas, I will no longer be able to work on a post about human sexuality studies in academia and a critical look at companies & organizations which provide funding to non-profits. Likewise I will no longer be able to write sexuality book reviews. For such topics were going to somehow tie into female sexual dysfunction, which as we all know, no longer exists and it never did.

So instead, on this day, I would like to announce, Feminists with Female Sexual Dysfunction will become a blog about Unicorns.

That’s right, Unicorns. And their friends like the kirin and narwhale, although that last one is a real thing. Mythical and real one-horned beasties from around the world. Ever hear of the Karkadann? That critter was was all sticking its head out from its mom’s uterus womb (sorry US Government – I forgot we’re not supposed to use the proper terminology for reproductive organs anymore) and eating fruit before popping back in there and chillin’ till it was time to get born. (No, seriously.) Kind of a jerk once it was born, though.

It seems only fitting to become a blog about mythical animals, seeing as how according to experts like these female sexual dysfunction is in fact a myth. And so, unicorns and other symbolic critters that do not actually exist will become the spiritual successor to discussions about actual pervasive personal distress caused by sexual problems which do exist. Or don’t exist, per the most important opinion, which also happens to be the most objective opinion, meaning the opinion of people who do not themselves have FSD.

So from now on, starting today on this the first day of a certain month*, we are no longer going to critique feminist critiques of female sexual dysfunction and sexual dysfunction broadly. The mainstream feminist critiques of female sexual dysfunction are the only valid ones and certainly they are 100% problem-free. Nope. No problems there. Not a one. Everything is fine and nothing needs tweaking anymore. I have seen the light.

From now on, this is a blog dedicated to further the unicorn agenda. I don’t actually know what that means, but I think it involves posting pictures of unicorns.

So, instead of a blog link roundup, I hereby demand a unicorn picture roundup. Post pictures of unicorns if’n you got’em. This blog needs some more fucking unicorns. I better be up to my ass in unicorn shit by the time this post is done! (THEY CRAP RAINBOWS!)

Picture of the Unicorn in Captivity, which is not actually a painting but art on fabric:

[Description: Unicorn in Captivity, borrowed from Wikimedia Commons. A long-horned unicorn with goaty legs and tail in repose, surrounded by a fence. It is underneath a tree and there are a lot of plants on the ground.]

Sometimes unicorns are used as an allegory for chastity and purity, because of that thing where they only like to hang out with virgin women. Perhaps in an alternate dimension, I could have written something about unicorns + virginity but I can no longer do so because it would remind me too much about vaginismus.

[Description: Domenechino’s Fanciulla con liocorno, 1604 – 1605, borrowed from Wikimedia Commons. A smiling white woman in green clothes loosely holding a small horse-type unicorn. Trees and water in the background.]

Here’s a picture of that Karkadann I was telling you about. Sadly I could not GIS a picture of the baby sticking its head out of its mom’s womb and birth canal. I know it’s from a seventeenth-century manuscript, but I don’t know who drew it. The Karkadann was said to live in India, North Africa and Persia (Iran.)

[Description: A possibly-baby karkadann laying on pink dirt under a tree, looking up at two birds. The karkadann itself looks like a rhino with both a nose-horn and a forehead-horn, but it has spindly little goat legs.]

Sue Dawe is an artist who draws a lot of modern-looking airbrushed unicorn pictures. When you think of unicorns, you probably think of Sue Dawe or Lisa Frank. I think I may have owned a poster or greeting cards by her at some point. You probably saw Dawe’s stuff on the interweb before. Here’s one that’s copyright Sue Dawe:

[Description: 5 horse-type unicorns  frolicking under an Aurora Borealis. The highlights and shadows are overwhelmingly done in purple & white.]

And then here’s one from my childhood, the cartoon version of The Last Unicorn, written by Peter S. Beagle but animated by the Rankin-Bass studio.

[Description: Close-up of The Last Unicorn‘s head & neck. She has big rabbit ears, anime eyes and although you can’t tell from this picture, she has a horse-ish body with goat legs & tail.]

Coming soon: More unicorns (Yay!)

*Spoiler alert: In case it still isn’t clear by now, I wish you all a happy April Fool’s Day. We shall return to our regularly scheduled FSD blogging shortly. Till then, don’t believe everything you see online today!