A non-eventful doctor appointment10/10/2009 at 12:45 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment
Tags: female sexual dysfunction, FSD, health, medicine, pain, vaginismus, vulvodynia
If ever I needed assurance that I’m getting better overall, in spite of the ocassional setbacks, then it comes in the form of gynecologist visits.
I’m not happy to have to return to the gyno – it takes up time, causes major anxiety, and usually happens only if I suspect something is wrong. But so far this year when I do go in, it’s definitely overall much easier (and less painful!) than it was a few years ago.
I went in to screen for infections yesterday – with so many resistant infections over the summer, and with some questionable feelings still in my vagina & urethra, I’m starting to reach that point where I don’t know what “Normal” is anymore. And “Normal” is good. Or so I’m told. I won’t get the results of the infection screenings back till next week. If I’m healthy, the wait won’t matter. If I still have an infection, then it’s mild enough for me to manage at home in the meantime.
I was so anxious about going though. Too many painful exams in the past. Too much “Pass the buck” by doctors who didn’t know what to make of me.
The anxiety remains in spite of the fact that most of my gyno exams lately have been nothing to write home about. The results of the exams have been, sure, but the time in the stirrups – surprisingly non-eventful.
Yesterday’s exam was no different. I did communicate the fact that I haven’t dilated in a few weeks for fear of re-infecting myself, and I asked the doctor to use a smaller speculuum. She did.
So when she went to insert the speculuum, I still expected it to hurt, but instead it felt like…
…Not much, actually. I think I still cried out a little in anticipation of pain but that old pain just didn’t happen. I think I felt *something* in there but I was thinking, “That’s it? That’s all? Oh man I’m gonna ask to use a smaller speculuum forever!”
Since it didn’t hurt, I was able to relax and the doctor took the samples before I knew what was happening. Then it was over. And I still wasn’t hurting.
Huh. That wasn’t so bad… Maybe next time I won’t have to be scared at all. I may have reached a breakthrough.
I know that I’m always going to face questions from others about the treatments I used to reach this point. Somewhere, someone is going to question me and my doctors on our motivations for doing what we did. Alternative medicine, hormones, surgery, dilators, physical therapy… Pretty serious stuff. Sometimes potentially risky.
Yet I’m still seeing some significant, measurable results here, in different contexts – not just in sex. Maybe next time I get my period I should try a tampon?
What I chose to address the vulvodynia and vaginismus may not be right for everyone, and the choice must be left to each individual. I can not advise on a course of action. So far, for me, I think my choices were right for my body and mind.
P.s. I blogged this from a mobile device – does it show?