Back on the saddle again*

07/03/2009 at 6:43 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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Wow if I ever thought I’d be able to take a vacation from dilating for a few weeks, I was completely wrong. I’m really not going to be able to let up with this for the rest of my life am I?

I went to PT again this week. Since it has been a few days since I finished both medications for the vaginal infections, and I was feeling better, I felt ready to start up with the internal work again.

That was one of the more difficult internal work days I’ve had in a long time. Before the infections, I had been able to handle the largest dilator comfortably, and quite a bit of pressure on the tissues. It’s more uncomfortable now. I’m not reset back to zero, but I definitely fell back. No tearing or bleeding, and things were within my tolerable range, but just barely. I had to start off with one of the smaller sizes and I’m definitely not ready for the big one yet. I’m being paranoid about germs even though I washed my gear, so I’m insisting on covering the dilators with a condom for awhile. I probably don’t need to. They’re not made of porous materials and I don’t share them with anyone.

Once again I left wondering what, exactly, the biggest component of the discomfort was. Was that the vaginismus acting up? Definitely; the muscles were tensing & haven’t been worked much for a few weeks. Was some discomfort the residual vestibulitis? I don’t know but I hope not. That area of redness I noticed during the infection is better now but still not the same shade of pink as the rest of me. Could there still be some infection left? Maybe; although the sensation of intense heat is gone, and I’m not registering anything else out of the far-reaching realm of normal for me, my infections don’t like predictable textbook cases. HOW WOULD I KNOW??? If it looks like I’m shouting, it’s because I am. Not knowing is frustrating. I’m getting frustrated when I read comments online that talk about how women need to learn what normal is & what infection symptoms to look for. Mine’s not working like that.
Or maybe some discomfort is just due to me approaching my menses. I’m a bit low on some hormones.

This current discomfort is actually something I’m less pessimistic about. Right now I’m not as worried as I thought I would be. Since I’ve felt worse before, and the residual pain post-surgery responded well to PT and at-home pelvic floor & dilator exercises, I feel confident that I may be able to get the tissue supple again over time. The PT wants me to pick up with the dilators & at-home exercises again ASAP.
Of course only time will tell if my optimism is warranted.

I’m still disappointed though – I guess I won’t be able to take a break for more than a day or two for awhile. I was going so well too, I could skip 3 or 4 days without losing much ground. I was maintaining. But two weeks is just too much. I’m interpreting this difficulty with inserting things as a sign & a reminder that I am going to deal with this pelvic floor dysfunction, residual vulvodynia, vaginismus, for the rest of my life. It’s better than it was, no doubt. But some residual may be lurking under the surface long term.

*Sigh* what did I expect? I know vulvodynia is a chronic condition. Vaginismus is going to take a long time for me to address, too. I spent at least several years at least living with chronic vulvar pain. There’s a possibility that there may have been something going on longer, even before I became sexually active. It’s not going to go away overnight.

This could get awkward down the road. How am I going to do this if I have kids? I’ll need to maintain my exercises through pregnancy, certainly. But then what? I can see it now, the baby starts crying and mommy has to struggle to get up off the floor, clean herself off and pick up the baby. And it’s just going to be a mess. Or maybe mommy can shout at daddy and tell him to go pick up the baby, mommy’s in the middle of something. Or something is in the middle of mommy, as the case may be.

Then what if I have a major pain flare while I’m working and being a mom… I don’t think I want to think about that right now.

Welp. Looks like I’ve still got some work to do.

*Metaphorically speaking only. Yeah right like I’m ever going to ride on a normal saddle again. Guess I won’t be going horseback riding or biking in the mountains any time soon. I guess the sybian is out of the question for me too. Oh well, that’s all out of my price range anyway.

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